I Lost My Faith, But God Never Left Me-Her View From Home

Recently I had a run-in with influenza or Covid or some other random horrible virus. It was definitely the sickest I have ever been.

Symptoms came on pretty suddenly: a cough, fever, body aches, shortness of breath. Fever and chills, extreme headache, fatigue, and then on top of it, on days two and three, nausea and vomiting kicked in and for a little over 48 hours, I couldn’t hold down a single sip of water.

By day four, I was delirious, exhausted, in extreme discomfort from the body aches, and dehydrated. I had started to be able to keep some sips of water down, but it wasn’t enough to catch up from two days of vomiting, my fever, and how hard my body was working just to try to breathe. Did I mention that I was also 11-weeks pregnant at the time?

I was miserable, to say the least. I looked like death. I felt like death.

I should have probably been in the hospital. There’s an entire backstory in regards to my healthcare during this time, but that’s not what I want to talk about today.

I want to tell you how, even though over the past few years I would say my faith has strengthened exponentially, even through some hard times, this sickness brought me to my knees, but in the worst way.

I cried and begged and pleaded with God to take away my symptoms. For almost four days I did this. And then, I suddenly decided, with clarity, that I don’t believe in God anymore. I told my husband that maybe, just maybe I still believed, but I didn’t believe He was good all the time anymore.

I told him he could keep praying, but I was done.

I hope you’ll head to Her View From Home to keep reading the rest of the story. It was one of the most important lessons I learned in 2020. And it was monumental in preparing me for what was to come later in the year.

My blog is going to be undergoing some major renovations and updates. This is where I’ll be sharing more of my story of the last year through my walk with pregnancy and a brain tumor diagnosis a few days after childbirth. Drop your email here so you don’t miss a thing!

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